We must be raising them right

Back in the summer of 2016, I attended one of the sessions organised by The United States Educational Foundation in Pakistan with my daughter. One of the Foundation's task was to coach and guide promising students on not just how to apply at American Universities but to apply in a way that increased their chances of getting accepted.

For this session they had invited the parents along as well. The session was headed by a fragile and sweet looking Pakistani American (judging by her accent) called Rafia (Amazingly, I still remember her name).

After the customary meet and greet session and a few introductory speeches by the students, it was time for what all Pakistanis look forward to after attending any meeting or gathering.

Refreshments.

The self-service buffet style refreshment table was set in a corner and was laden with variety of typical Pakistani snacks including chicken patties, which is basically a savory puff pastry filled with chicken meat.

The plates as well as the plastic forks were disposable which are notoriously spineless when it comes holding their own. The second I tried to insert my plastic fork into those crackly layers of puff pastry the disposable plate beneath it bent on its side, sending the chicken patties and nachos on my plate flying into the air before landing on the carpet by my feet.

DAMN

I bent down and picked up the fallen puff pastry and bigger pieces of nachos which I placed on the table behind me. There still remained on the carpet some smaller bits of nachos and a few broken pieces of flaky puff pastry that would have to picked up later by a cleaning brush.

 “whoever threw those crisps on the carpet needs to pick them up right now “

Barely two minutes later a booming voice echoed across the room. It was not the sternness of the loud voice that startled me, but rather the fact that it came out of the mouth of the fragile and sweet looking Rafia was what astonished me more.

That “whoever” she was referring to was obviously me.

The first though that went through my head was to ask my daughter, networking on her own somewhere in the crowd, to come and pick it up for me. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed to pick up my mess but it was embarrassing to so do so after Rafia ‘s ultra-stern and ultra-loud command which had echoed across the room. The situation made me feel like a naughty 6-year-old being reprimanded by her nanny more than a forty plus woman.

But that option to ask my daughter for help was discarded almost the moment it entered my head. There is no explanation why it should have entered my head in the first place. There was no way I was going to put my child in an embarrassing and awkward position that was not her fault.

I am not that kind of a mom.

Secondly, there has never been an incident in my life, that I can recall, where I have not owned up to my mistake, or tried to cover it up, no matter how embarrassing it might be.

That is not me either.

Funny enough, the idea of not picking it up never occurred to me. I don’t know if Rafia had seen me either drop or pick up or if she just issued a general directive upon seeing the mess. It was not really important anyway. What was important was that I knew I did it.

It would have to be me.

I turned to put my plate on the table behind me to free my hands for the task but when I turned back a couple of seconds later I was momentarily frozen into immobility.

 If I had been surprised by the capability of deceptively sweet looking Rafia to issue a directive that loud and stern, I was totally dumbfounded by what I saw before me now.

There were three youngsters already squatting on the carpet clearing up my mess.

Just as I was turning to place the plate on the table earlier, I had vaguely heard a conversation between a couple of teenagers standing a few paces from me.

“Shall we?”

“Sure why not?”

Didn’t realize what they had meant till I turned back.

The overwhelming feeling of gratitude that went through me at that moment is indescribable.

“We will manage. You don’t have to do it.” One of the girls with curly hair said to me as I bent down to help them.

“No I want to”. I insisted.

Together we cleared up the space in about thirty seconds, something which might have taken me at least two minutes to do on my own.

Two whole long minutes during which I would have squatted on the floor alone clearing up while people around me would probably have continued to network. 

But between the four of us, not only was the task completed in one fourth of the time, it also was impossible to tell which one of us, if any one of us, was responsible for that mess. 

Those girls shared my embarrassment in a way that it no longer remained embarrassing.

Never have I been more indebted to a bunch of kids in my life than I was at that point.

How many of us never lift a finger to do something that requires minimal effort from us simply because it had nothing to do with us or because it is not our responsibility to do so?

How many of us do something simply because it is the right thing to do regardless of whoever’s responsibility it was to do it in the first place?

Not a whole lot.

So when someone says to me that kids today are too argumentative, too opinionated, too liberal, too assertive, I agree with them. They are all that, but they are also decent and caring with a very strong sense of what is right and what is wrong.

Whereas, it may be true that not all of them are like that. There will always be exceptions. But for most part when I see youngsters, I see a good future ahead of us.

So my request to those of us who have a decent number of years under their belt is that instead of hastily passing judgment on some action of the younger generation or on some opinions they voice that do not agree with us, let us give them a chance to show us who they truly are first.

I guarantee, quite a few of them will cause us to be pleasantly surprised.

 

 

The Art of Saying “No”

Before I begin, I would like to issue a disclaimer that whatever is written below has no scientific or any other kind of research backing it up. This is solely a product of my personal observations and my own personal opinions (or to be more accurate the prattling of an idle mind triggered by a chance remark or something of the sort). And as always, anyone and everyone can feel free to disagree with them.

Saying “no” can be simple, yet so many people struggle with it, for it is one of those things that appear deceptively simple yet are much more complicated in reality. Sometimes lifelong friendships and even strong relationships are put at risk just by using this two letter tiny word. That is probably why many are wary of using it outright and have different ways of saying it.

From my observation, I have divided people into four different categories based on how they say no or don’t say no to people.

The “walk all over me” category

For this lot, it is so difficult to say no that they end up accepting everything, get pulled into situations they never intended to be in just because they could not put their foot down and refuse outright. These are the ones who are almost always at a disadvantage because others are almost always taking advantage of their inability to deny a request.

The “ready excuse for everything” category

Then there are those that use evasive techniques.

I can’t because of so and so reason, I couldn’t because so and so wouldn’t let me.

All the time trying to extricate themselves from blame by making up pathetic excuses for not doing something or not agreeing to something. These are mostly concerned with maintaining their saintly impression in others’ eyes where as they are anything but.

Then come “the thoughtful decision makers” 

These are the ones who are never hasty in giving an answer. Who like to weigh the pros and cons of their denial or agreement before deciding on what course of action to follow and once having decided would stick to it. This lot, in my opinion, is the most balanced one.  

Last but not Least is the “blunt refusal” category

Like a pro they issue a decisive and definite NO that leaves no room for argument or persuasion. Effective, but can be considered rude at times for their bluntness. They are probably not the kind of people others are comfortable to be around or comfortable asking stuff, but on the plus side they don’t get saddled into doing stuff they never wanted to do in the first place.

Now my final analysis is that it is possible to fluctuate between more than one category especially the one before and one after depending upon circumstances e.g. someone notorious for saying no might not be able to say no to a certain someone. A person usually saying yes to everyone and everything might go for excuse in the hopes of getting himself or herself out of a tricky spot. And so on and so forth.

The important question over here is not at which point on the spectrum does one exit but rather at what point does one want and chose to exit?

And yes, I believe, with a little effort and resolve one’s place on the spectrum, like one’s place in life, can be chosen.

If saying no is an Art, then all Art start with technique. And techniques can be learned, adapted or altered to mould into the shape of one’s desire.

Just needs a bit of effort and resolve to do it. But then again doesn’t everything in life.

So, in the end, it is all a matter of choice.

Limitless

It was totally by chance that I got acquainted with Jim Kwik and his Podcasts but it has had a profound effect on me, which is saying something, since I don't get affected by much.
I was affected enough or should I say impressed enough to buy Jim's new book " Limitless" that has just come out, though I have not read it yet.
Purchase of the book is accompanied by complimentary access to lots of resource material which include zoom sessions, hosted by Jim Kwik, with lots of celebrities and motivational speakers. Most of which I managed to attend, even though they took place at midnight according to my time zone.
Like Jim, a lot of things Jim's invited speakers said also made a lot of sense. 

To quote ( though not verbatim) Tom Bilyeu who appeared in one of Jim Kwik’s “Limitless Together” zoom sessions: 

If you have not reached where you want to reach in life till now, it means that you have not incorporated a sense of urgency in your life. You need a sense of urgency to build momentum.

Momentum is everything. To get beyond the state of inertia you need to build momentum to reach your escape velocity.

Wise words. I call them wise words because they make sense and also because I can relate to it.

Tom Bilyeu

What I sorely lack is a sense of urgency in my life. There are so many things I like to achieve some time in the not too distant future but which I have not even gotten around to start as yet simply because of two words which happen to be the mantra of all procrastinators.

One day!!!

But which day?  That never gets decided.

Admittedly, I am not the only one doing that. There is a whole world of procrastinators out there lulling themselves to sleep each night by repeating the same two magic words. One day!!!

But knowing that you are probably not the only procrastinator in the world doesn't actually improve the situation much. Since you pretty much stay rooted to the same spot where you were in the first place.

When you want to reach a goal in life, give it a specific date and work out the specifics down to the last little detail so that you can work towards achieving it.

Another insightful advice from Tom Bilyeu and again one that makes sense. Best part is that it gives you a road map on how to get to where you want to be.

Lately, like J J Virgin, another one of Jim's zoom speakers, I have also started wearing a rubber band around my wrist. Virgin would snap the rubber band sharply every time she had a negative thought or a self doubt.  Though my purpose of wearing the rubber band is different from Virgin's but the intention is the same, which is to use the pain as a reminder to get your thoughts back on track.

One of my favorite quotes from Jim is:

 If you fight for your limitations you get to keep them.

If you are going to make up excuses for why you are unable to do something, that excuse will become a reality. 

He drills that into you until you finally realize and accept that the only one stopping you from reaching your potential is you. 

He teaches you how to tackle seemingly mammoth tasks that you have been putting off simply because they are too daunting and appear unattainable by taking small bite sized steps.

I have also begun to admire the man for his ability to break down deep set mindsets that we have been living with all our lives.

Though I have yet to receive and read my copy of "Limitless", I have already begun to accept what deep down inside I have always known myself.

And that is, that in the end it’s not about all the pep talk, it’s not about all the techniques you learn, not even about the realization regarding what is lacking. It’s about you taking yourself by the collar, giving yourself a good hard shake and doing whatever needs to be done in order to build up that momentum to reach your escape velocity.

Jim Kwik