Mystery of the desolate lane

Just on the outskirts of "lidhar" village on Bedian road, a side lane juts out at 90 degrees and leads straight into DHA Phase VI.

The first time I took that road was when I was coming back from Bedian towards my home in Phase V.

As I turned towards the narrow road, it seemed to be all lit up with dazzling lights. Those lights belonged to the massive Pakistan Kidney and Liver Institute and Research Center located at the end of the road adjacent to Phase VI. It is fairly short distance from Bedian to Phase VI which is covered in no more than a minute or so even if the car is advancing at a not so accelerated speed. Before I even knew it, I was inside Phase VI and heading towards my home.

Next time I took that lane, I was moving in the opposite direction: going from Phase VI towards Bedian.  Somehow I ended up on a completely different road than the one I had driven on previously, even though I had followed the exact same route and directions as before.

Unlike the previous road, this particular one looked little more than a narrow lane with deep grown hedges on either side. The absence of any kind of light made it look gloomier and scarier than it probably actually was. I drove along convinced I had taken the wrong turning but drove on nonetheless as there was no U turn to go back. Barely a minute later I came upon the T junction which was non other than Bedain road itself running perpendicular to the lane. Badian, also in the absence of any kind of street light, was equally dark, but being a much busier thoroughfare, was much livelier and hence a less scary road than the one I had just traveled through.

How could this be?  

How was it possible that I had taken the same route both times and yet traveled on two completely different roads each time I had done so. Utterly perplexed I looked back just before turning on to Bedain and that is when reality dawned on me.

One way from Bedian to Phase VI, the massive and well lit structure of the Pakistan Kidney and Liver Center and Research Institute is in full view.  The brightness is so hypnotizing that one does not even notice the dark and gloomy road that one happens to be travelling on at the time.

In the opposite direction, as one travels from Phase VI to Bedian, the Institute building is in the back and with no light to distract one, the dark dreariness of the desolate road hits one with full force.

That is when I realize the importance of the keeping a clear end goal in mind. Those who have a bright and clear destination in their focus barely notice the hardships or isolated dreariness of any part of their journey. Those who have no clear and brightly lit destination to guide them will question their choice of path. Confused and unsure, they will look for U turns to retrieve their steps at multiple points of the journey.

So in a nutshell, if goals are destinations that you need to get to, then choose your goals carefully. Choose goals that beckon you with their brightness and give you the courage to keep moving forward.

In the end the important thing to remember is to not be daunted by depressing and seemingly isolated parts of the journey. Sometimes the sharpest and the most focused goals appear to one on the bleakest and darkest stretches of the road.

We must be raising them right

Back in the summer of 2016, I attended one of the sessions organised by The United States Educational Foundation in Pakistan with my daughter. One of the Foundation's task was to coach and guide promising students on not just how to apply at American Universities but to apply in a way that increased their chances of getting accepted.

For this session they had invited the parents along as well. The session was headed by a fragile and sweet looking Pakistani American (judging by her accent) called Rafia (Amazingly, I still remember her name).

After the customary meet and greet session and a few introductory speeches by the students, it was time for what all Pakistanis look forward to after attending any meeting or gathering.

Refreshments.

The self-service buffet style refreshment table was set in a corner and was laden with variety of typical Pakistani snacks including chicken patties, which is basically a savory puff pastry filled with chicken meat.

The plates as well as the plastic forks were disposable which are notoriously spineless when it comes holding their own. The second I tried to insert my plastic fork into those crackly layers of puff pastry the disposable plate beneath it bent on its side, sending the chicken patties and nachos on my plate flying into the air before landing on the carpet by my feet.

DAMN

I bent down and picked up the fallen puff pastry and bigger pieces of nachos which I placed on the table behind me. There still remained on the carpet some smaller bits of nachos and a few broken pieces of flaky puff pastry that would have to picked up later by a cleaning brush.

 “whoever threw those crisps on the carpet needs to pick them up right now “

Barely two minutes later a booming voice echoed across the room. It was not the sternness of the loud voice that startled me, but rather the fact that it came out of the mouth of the fragile and sweet looking Rafia was what astonished me more.

That “whoever” she was referring to was obviously me.

The first though that went through my head was to ask my daughter, networking on her own somewhere in the crowd, to come and pick it up for me. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed to pick up my mess but it was embarrassing to so do so after Rafia ‘s ultra-stern and ultra-loud command which had echoed across the room. The situation made me feel like a naughty 6-year-old being reprimanded by her nanny more than a forty plus woman.

But that option to ask my daughter for help was discarded almost the moment it entered my head. There is no explanation why it should have entered my head in the first place. There was no way I was going to put my child in an embarrassing and awkward position that was not her fault.

I am not that kind of a mom.

Secondly, there has never been an incident in my life, that I can recall, where I have not owned up to my mistake, or tried to cover it up, no matter how embarrassing it might be.

That is not me either.

Funny enough, the idea of not picking it up never occurred to me. I don’t know if Rafia had seen me either drop or pick up or if she just issued a general directive upon seeing the mess. It was not really important anyway. What was important was that I knew I did it.

It would have to be me.

I turned to put my plate on the table behind me to free my hands for the task but when I turned back a couple of seconds later I was momentarily frozen into immobility.

 If I had been surprised by the capability of deceptively sweet looking Rafia to issue a directive that loud and stern, I was totally dumbfounded by what I saw before me now.

There were three youngsters already squatting on the carpet clearing up my mess.

Just as I was turning to place the plate on the table earlier, I had vaguely heard a conversation between a couple of teenagers standing a few paces from me.

“Shall we?”

“Sure why not?”

Didn’t realize what they had meant till I turned back.

The overwhelming feeling of gratitude that went through me at that moment is indescribable.

“We will manage. You don’t have to do it.” One of the girls with curly hair said to me as I bent down to help them.

“No I want to”. I insisted.

Together we cleared up the space in about thirty seconds, something which might have taken me at least two minutes to do on my own.

Two whole long minutes during which I would have squatted on the floor alone clearing up while people around me would probably have continued to network. 

But between the four of us, not only was the task completed in one fourth of the time, it also was impossible to tell which one of us, if any one of us, was responsible for that mess. 

Those girls shared my embarrassment in a way that it no longer remained embarrassing.

Never have I been more indebted to a bunch of kids in my life than I was at that point.

How many of us never lift a finger to do something that requires minimal effort from us simply because it had nothing to do with us or because it is not our responsibility to do so?

How many of us do something simply because it is the right thing to do regardless of whoever’s responsibility it was to do it in the first place?

Not a whole lot.

So when someone says to me that kids today are too argumentative, too opinionated, too liberal, too assertive, I agree with them. They are all that, but they are also decent and caring with a very strong sense of what is right and what is wrong.

Whereas, it may be true that not all of them are like that. There will always be exceptions. But for most part when I see youngsters, I see a good future ahead of us.

So my request to those of us who have a decent number of years under their belt is that instead of hastily passing judgment on some action of the younger generation or on some opinions they voice that do not agree with us, let us give them a chance to show us who they truly are first.

I guarantee, quite a few of them will cause us to be pleasantly surprised.

 

 

The Art of Saying “No”

Before I begin, I would like to issue a disclaimer that whatever is written below has no scientific or any other kind of research backing it up. This is solely a product of my personal observations and my own personal opinions (or to be more accurate the prattling of an idle mind triggered by a chance remark or something of the sort). And as always, anyone and everyone can feel free to disagree with them.

Saying “no” can be simple, yet so many people struggle with it, for it is one of those things that appear deceptively simple yet are much more complicated in reality. Sometimes lifelong friendships and even strong relationships are put at risk just by using this two letter tiny word. That is probably why many are wary of using it outright and have different ways of saying it.

From my observation, I have divided people into four different categories based on how they say no or don’t say no to people.

The “walk all over me” category

For this lot, it is so difficult to say no that they end up accepting everything, get pulled into situations they never intended to be in just because they could not put their foot down and refuse outright. These are the ones who are almost always at a disadvantage because others are almost always taking advantage of their inability to deny a request.

The “ready excuse for everything” category

Then there are those that use evasive techniques.

I can’t because of so and so reason, I couldn’t because so and so wouldn’t let me.

All the time trying to extricate themselves from blame by making up pathetic excuses for not doing something or not agreeing to something. These are mostly concerned with maintaining their saintly impression in others’ eyes where as they are anything but.

Then come “the thoughtful decision makers” 

These are the ones who are never hasty in giving an answer. Who like to weigh the pros and cons of their denial or agreement before deciding on what course of action to follow and once having decided would stick to it. This lot, in my opinion, is the most balanced one.  

Last but not Least is the “blunt refusal” category

Like a pro they issue a decisive and definite NO that leaves no room for argument or persuasion. Effective, but can be considered rude at times for their bluntness. They are probably not the kind of people others are comfortable to be around or comfortable asking stuff, but on the plus side they don’t get saddled into doing stuff they never wanted to do in the first place.

Now my final analysis is that it is possible to fluctuate between more than one category especially the one before and one after depending upon circumstances e.g. someone notorious for saying no might not be able to say no to a certain someone. A person usually saying yes to everyone and everything might go for excuse in the hopes of getting himself or herself out of a tricky spot. And so on and so forth.

The important question over here is not at which point on the spectrum does one exit but rather at what point does one want and chose to exit?

And yes, I believe, with a little effort and resolve one’s place on the spectrum, like one’s place in life, can be chosen.

If saying no is an Art, then all Art start with technique. And techniques can be learned, adapted or altered to mould into the shape of one’s desire.

Just needs a bit of effort and resolve to do it. But then again doesn’t everything in life.

So, in the end, it is all a matter of choice.

Limitless

It was totally by chance that I got acquainted with Jim Kwik and his Podcasts but it has had a profound effect on me, which is saying something, since I don't get affected by much.
I was affected enough or should I say impressed enough to buy Jim's new book " Limitless" that has just come out, though I have not read it yet.
Purchase of the book is accompanied by complimentary access to lots of resource material which include zoom sessions, hosted by Jim Kwik, with lots of celebrities and motivational speakers. Most of which I managed to attend, even though they took place at midnight according to my time zone.
Like Jim, a lot of things Jim's invited speakers said also made a lot of sense. 

To quote ( though not verbatim) Tom Bilyeu who appeared in one of Jim Kwik’s “Limitless Together” zoom sessions: 

If you have not reached where you want to reach in life till now, it means that you have not incorporated a sense of urgency in your life. You need a sense of urgency to build momentum.

Momentum is everything. To get beyond the state of inertia you need to build momentum to reach your escape velocity.

Wise words. I call them wise words because they make sense and also because I can relate to it.

Tom Bilyeu

What I sorely lack is a sense of urgency in my life. There are so many things I like to achieve some time in the not too distant future but which I have not even gotten around to start as yet simply because of two words which happen to be the mantra of all procrastinators.

One day!!!

But which day?  That never gets decided.

Admittedly, I am not the only one doing that. There is a whole world of procrastinators out there lulling themselves to sleep each night by repeating the same two magic words. One day!!!

But knowing that you are probably not the only procrastinator in the world doesn't actually improve the situation much. Since you pretty much stay rooted to the same spot where you were in the first place.

When you want to reach a goal in life, give it a specific date and work out the specifics down to the last little detail so that you can work towards achieving it.

Another insightful advice from Tom Bilyeu and again one that makes sense. Best part is that it gives you a road map on how to get to where you want to be.

Lately, like J J Virgin, another one of Jim's zoom speakers, I have also started wearing a rubber band around my wrist. Virgin would snap the rubber band sharply every time she had a negative thought or a self doubt.  Though my purpose of wearing the rubber band is different from Virgin's but the intention is the same, which is to use the pain as a reminder to get your thoughts back on track.

One of my favorite quotes from Jim is:

 If you fight for your limitations you get to keep them.

If you are going to make up excuses for why you are unable to do something, that excuse will become a reality. 

He drills that into you until you finally realize and accept that the only one stopping you from reaching your potential is you. 

He teaches you how to tackle seemingly mammoth tasks that you have been putting off simply because they are too daunting and appear unattainable by taking small bite sized steps.

I have also begun to admire the man for his ability to break down deep set mindsets that we have been living with all our lives.

Though I have yet to receive and read my copy of "Limitless", I have already begun to accept what deep down inside I have always known myself.

And that is, that in the end it’s not about all the pep talk, it’s not about all the techniques you learn, not even about the realization regarding what is lacking. It’s about you taking yourself by the collar, giving yourself a good hard shake and doing whatever needs to be done in order to build up that momentum to reach your escape velocity.

Jim Kwik 

History's Honourable Heroes.

“It Always Seems Impossible Until It’s Done”

Nelson Mandela

One thing I have noticed about great historical figures is that they have a lot of common characteristics. They are all stubborn, ruthless and a bit reckless. 

I guess you have to be to in order to achieve greatness.

Achievements of extraordinary magnitude rarely come to ordinary people.  They are reserved for the slightly mad, slightly eccentric lot, for they require fighting for what one believes in against all odds.

Ordinary individuals, at some point or the other during their struggle will accept the futility of their efforts and will be persuaded by logic and reasoning to back off. It is only those who relentlessly peruse their ambition or dream against all opposition are the ones that emerge victorious.

Whether obstinacy is a mark of brilliance or a sign of idiocy, depends wholly on the outcome. If the result is successful then those behind it are considered to be geniuses of highest degree, visionaries who saw what others could not see and went for it with everything they had.

Or

Complete fools who risked and lost everything on a foolhardy endeavor, who did not know when to back off when the time was ripe.

It is the final result of their efforts that determines how history will view them in times to come. 
But what factors affect the outcome of the efforts? 
Several, but two among them, possibly more so than others.

Grit and luck!

You use your grit to push your luck to its limits. Even the slightest lacking in either of the two could easily turn success into failure.

That is my opinion. Anyone or everyone has my permission to disagree with it.

So from where is all this musing coming from anyway?

It so happens that I just finished watching “Rise of Empires, OTTOMANS” on Netflix.  

Mehmet, the Conqueror has always been this heroic figure in Islamic history who achieved the seemingly unachievable. 

His conquests and his achievements are legendary.

But Mehmet' s character: strong, highly driven and obsessed with what he wishes to achieve, is by no means without flaws.

He is firm in his belief, determined to let nothing stop him from conquering Constantinople, the magnificent City that so many before him had aspired to conquer.

But firm and determined individuals are also at times merciless. In order to fulfil a higher purpose, they sometimes have to forgo the human element and softer side of themselves.

Felt a similarity between Mehmet II and another character that I read about some time ago.

Charlemagne, the first Holy Roman Emperor, who forged an empire from amongst a disunited group of nations and kings.

   Imperial Coronation of Charlemagne, by Friedrich Kaulbach

Both men left countless dead in pursuit of their ambition, and yet that is not what we remember them for.  Because the magnitude of what they achieved, the Dynasties and Empires they forged, overshadowed whatever shortcomings they might have had.
Mehmet II and Charlemagne are by no means the only two such flawed characters. History is full of such men and perhaps a few women as well, who share these traits.

To be honest, it was their flaws that made them great and helped them achieve their destinies.

A more merciful ruler, mindful of the death and destruction his ambition could lead to would not go to this length, would not cross that line which needed to be crossed in order to achieve his purpose.

The truth is that countless aspire to have achievements that would immortalise their name in history or the very least count them as among the “successes” of their own times. But do the countless have what it takes to get there or more importantly, are they willing to be that flawed in order to get what they so desire?

That is where most of us normal, regular human beings fall short.

I would say let greatness be a virtue of great men that God hath created for this purpose and let the rest of us be good and normal human beings that we are meant to be.

Hemidactylus Frenatus .......aka.... the common house lizard

Imagine waking up in the middle of night, walking into the bathroom still half dizzy with sleep and finding two lizards on two separate spot on opposite bathroom walls. Both equally fat, ugly and equally disgusting. That is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Admittedly I had been aware of the presence of one. The presence of the second came as a surprise. Apparently I had been sighting the two of them individually and thinking of them as one and the same until that fateful night when they both decided to reveal themselves to me simultaneously. They both have their own favorite spots and favorite hiding places and scurry into their own dark little corners whenever I enter the bathroom.  They also tend to leave a mess sometimes in the form of droppings and loose debris from the false ceiling above.

One of them has been there for years and follows a regular pattern: hibernates during winter and wakes up in summer. I don’t know if one of the two current ones is the original one that has been there for years or a descendant of it because I have no idea how long lizards live and have no desire to research the matter as I have never been fond of reptiles of any sort.

Not that I come across many reptiles, other than these ordinary house lizards whose ability to stay adhered to walls, defying gravity, is the only interesting thing I find about them. It is very rare that a lizard loses its grip and falls down, but when it does, the human body kind of acts like a magnet for it and it will fall on top of a person rather than on the floor. Almost everyone I know who has seen a lizard fall has had one fall on top of them. It is almost as if they deliberately aim for people when falling.

I have had one fall on top of me too. Although to be fair it was not the lizard’s fault. It was my husband’s.

There I was, one fine day, standing in the corner of my room taking something out of my cupboard, completely ignorant of the fact that there was a big fat lizard high on the wall above me when enters my husband into the room and yells,

“Don’t move”

And I am like  “what ? why?”

Before I can figure anything out, he takes his Peshawari Chappal off from his foot and throws it with full force. The heavy slipper flies over my head and hits the lizard smack in the middle.

The lizard completely taken by surprise loses its grip on the wall and lands right on top of my head from where it bounces off doing a kind of inelegant somersault to fall on my chest next. From there, with the speed of lightening, it slithered down the rest of my body and ran off to God knows where.

I am no dancer but the skipping and hoping dance like moves I performed back then, accompanied by a string of shrieking sounds would have given the most agile of break dancers a run for their money.

My husband for some reason found the whole situation to be hilarious and could not stop laughing.

As for myself, I didn’t find anything the least bit funny about it and was furious with my husband for,

A:            Hitting a lizard while I was standing right below it.

B.            Asking me not to move when what he should have yelled was for me to get out of the way before he hit the damned thing.

His excuse that it was an impulsive act, kind of like a spur of the moment decision didn’t pacify me much.

To cut the long story short. I don’t have a good history with lizards and having to share my bathroom with not just one, but two of them, is not at all pleasant.

Like I said, I am not fond of researching reptiles but these days I find myself searching the internet trying to find ways and methods to get rid of lizards ……… permanently.

My particular area of focus is how to kill them while maintaining a distance of six feet or more.

Be wary of over efficient Doctors

Kotli Falls, Kashmir

The funny thing about being stuck in quarantine is that when you have nothing else to do, long forgotten memories from ages ago come flooding into your mind. Here is one such memory from about 7 years ago.

One fine day my youngest started experiencing sudden stomach ache of such intensity that she caused panic in the entire household. The kids and I had been visiting my sister in law and her family who at that time were stationed in a picturesque Kashmiri town near the Indian border. An immediate trip to the local CMH ensued where I presented my daughter’s medical eligibility card. But to the young doctors sitting in OPD, the fact that I had come as a guest of the Commandant Brigadier had more weightage than the fact that we were the family of a deceased officer. Hence, they were eager to outdo themselves regarding diagnosis and treatment.

Now I have all the respect for doctors. They are practitioners of a noble profession. But there is something about over efficient doctors that makes me wary of them, especially so, after this incident.

The diagnosis was that my daughter was experiencing appendix pain which needed to be operated upon immediately or dire consequences will follow. A bed was instructed to be prepared for her and I was to ready her for the operation that would take place that very day.

But before the operation, I had to bring some urine and stool samples for testing.

Kind of Shell shocked by the news, I collected two empty containers from the dispensary and took my little girl to the toilet area and asked her to provide what was needed.

Now my little one has a very stubborn nature and even at the age of ten she could put her foot down. She flatly refused to provide any such sample for any such purpose.

A doctor scaring me with terrible consequences of negligence concerning the timely removal of an appendix, a totally unexpected upcoming operation in the next couple of hours and a stubborn ten year old refusing to cooperate, was too much, even for me. I guess, I must have looked as haggard and mentally harassed as I felt at that point.

My Brigadier brother in law’s army batman, who had been accompanying me throughout and who till now had kept his mouth firmly shut finally spoke up.

“Baji , bachhi ko ghar le ja kar lal dawai pila dain . Shaam tak pait dard bilkul theek ho jae ga”

Sister, take the kid home and give her some red medicine (a generic medicine given for stomach aches in military hospitals). She will be fine by evening.

He had apparently thought this whole situation to be pointlessly blown out of proportion but had refrained from saying so up till now.

To be honest, I was not hundred percent convinced about the necessity of having an operation but had given in because I felt that a doctor would obviously know better.

At that point, the batman’s suggestion sounded like the second opinion I was dying to hear. Even if this opinion had come from a low educated batman, I decided to follow it.

I took my girl home and gave her some red medicine that I took from the dispensary on my way back.

She was fine by evening.

And has been fine and “stomach ache free” for the past seven years.

Looking back at the diagnosis of that idiot doctor and his hasty preparations for appendectomy, I can’t help but think,

Would I have gone through with that point less operation if that batman had not finally voiced his opinion?

So yes, speaking out your mind is important.
It can make such a big difference in someone’s life.